Pregnancy Tips for Dads
For Dad, who said the best insurance to protect yourself from the slings and arrows of modern life is the love and support of your family
DADCLAIMER
*Like
a disclaimer but written on the loo, while hiding in the bathroom as our youngest
tries to pick the lock with what looks like my wife’s toothbrush.
This hopefully Useful? Entertaining? I’d take readable, blog post is based entirely on my
(8 years so far) experience of being a Dad.
We’re genuinely
blessed to have 3 awesome but sometimes, ever so slightly unreasonable little people.
I have no qualifications in “Dad studies” to my name so please don’t blame,
sue, grumble under your breath at me, if anything you read offends you. Something
that’s sadly seems to be a bit of a guaranteed outcome these days.
BEFORE
YOU JUDGE OTHER DADS
From the
very extensive Dad research I did for this e book (rang my brother and spoke
to 1 guy at work) I conclude that most Dads are doing their absolute best with the time, energy and resources
available to them. Therefore, try not to be too quick to judge anyone (like
me) if you ever see them (almost certainly me) trying to drop two children
at school while a third wearing inside out pyjamas screams about quavers.
GROWN
UP SERIOUS BIT
I
think that becoming a Dad is arguably the most overwhelming thing you will
encounter in life. We have 3 children and I still have moments where I feel, quite
strongly, that I’m really not qualified to manage a responsibility quite of this
magnitude.
AN
INCONVENIENT TRUTH
Regardless
of how many self-help books you read, podcasts you listen to, “Find your Parenting
Power within” retreats you go on, you will never become an expert.
That
might sound negative, especially in a document designed to help
you with your Dadding skills but the truth as I see it, is every child is totally unique and
will therefore requires unique parenting support. Another possible truth is I just
don’t think you need to strive to be a parenting expert. You don’t even need to
strive to be the expert of your own child.
I just think you just need to continue to do your best, whatever that looks like. If you keep trying and learning as much about what makes them tick, then I reckon you’re pretty golden.
Striving not to step on the same parenting banana skins will, by
default make you Dad they need you to be. You will also probably become one of
only two people on the planet that can recognise when a subtle change in pitch
and tone means…
“Arghhh I’ve lost a scratch mitt again!”
NOT
“Arghhh
I’ve got wind again!”
A
UNIVERSAL TRUTH
One thing I assure you, when your partner confirms the
reason her boobs feel bigger, ear lobes seem lower, hair shinier, sense of
smell increased, isn’t due to Aquarius being in Uranus, but because she’s
pregnant. The moment that’s confirmed, then nothing will ever be the same
again, in any way, for anyone.
Based on my experience of trying to navigate my wife’s
pregnancy three times these statements may now ring true if you are in a
similar position.
1) You are no longer the most important person in your own life. Don’t
be surprised if from now on, this sometimes feel a bit unfair. For example when
you’re being told that you can’t afford a new (whatever) because you
need the top of the range wildly expensive “Rolls Royce of the push chair
world.”
2) If you’re anything like me, you might find that becoming a dad
gives you the clarity that being an okay human isn’t going to cut it
now.
e.g. a man that regularly ate out
of saucepan to save washing up. A man who lived in a flat with cardboard
covering one of the windows for 3 years because the curtain rail fell down and I couldn't find an alan key.
When our daughter arrived it no longer felt good enough to live like that I wanted
to do better and become more. There was also the reality that monthly Rolls Royce push
chair payments don’t pay themselves.
3) You may have to accept that until they are cleaning, dressing,
managing themselves etc you’re going to be living in a semi-comatose state, just about alert enough to communicate in
monosyllabic grunts but not to operate heavy machinery.
4) That said if you’re experience is like mine becoming someone's Dad will show you exactly what conditional love looks and feels like.
Right so now that we’ve established that even after nearly a decade I still have very little in the way of advice to pass on,here goes.
TIP
1 FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
These are in no order but the fact that this one sprung
into my mind first probably means that on some sub conscious level it’s one of
the most useful tips I would advise.
The role of “soon to be dad” is to be as present as possible. For example, aim to be caught 40-50% less staring at your phone especially if you’re partner is talking to you. Double especially if she talking to you about anything pregnancy related.
TIP 2
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Be more patient and grow a much thicker skin. There are enormous changes happening to both your partner’s body and mind. She’s literally growing a person inside her person. A lot of the (quite possibly very irrational) bollockings you will get in these 9 months will have been significantly upgraded due to changes in her hormones.
Her fears about being a mum.
Her fears about the pain.
Her fears about poohing herself during labour.
Her frustration at always feeling tired or sore, or nauseous.
This list can and will go on.
TIP 3
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Try to be positive and enthusiastic if she suggests going
antenatal classes. If you want to earn serious brownie points be the one to
suggest and organise it.
Please note that like the friends you make during University Freshers week,the other NCT men you meet are going through
and probably getting told off in a very similar way. Leaning on them, going for a beer
and letting off some steam can really
help. The minute you realise that you're not the only man in the world getting told off for not getting the pink fabric softener you will feel much
better. Also just a tip for the NCT classes,if the topic of conversation swings onto
hormones I wouldn’t as one of the dads on our course did, take it as his cue to
try and win over the crowd with hormone jokes.
How do you make a hormone? Don’t pay her.
=
TIP 4
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Depending on how well you get on with your mother in law? A million jokes would argue not well, but that aside, perhaps talk to your
partner about having her or someone less critical about Dysons, to
stay for the 1st 7 to 10 days of your baby being here.
THE FAMILY CHAIN OF COMMAND
1st PRIORITY-BABY is
now the most important person in everyone's life, fact!
2nd PRIORITY-MUM is probably only going to have enough time and energy to focus completely on the needs of her baby.
3rd PRIORITY-DAD “Sorry dad I didn’t make the rules!” Dad, our job is to act as the gatekeeper to Mum and Baby.
I suggest that no one is granted any sort of visitation rights unless they have
brought at least 2 of the following 3 items.
1) A present.
2) Posh chocolate biscuits like the ones you get
from Marks and Spencer’s at Christmas.
3) A
freezable meal for 4 in a microwavable dish that they don’t mind never having
back.
A helpful,non squeamish or judgmental person to help with breast pumps, clarify yes Mum's doing a great job is vital. Someone who will agree that people that don’t have vaginas shouldn’t give opinions and preferably just be quite quiet and make the tea.
Someone who had done
this whole thing themselves, preferably several times who can confirm that yes that should
look/smell/feel like that is I think the key to a sucessful first couple of weeks. Definitely not a person who might challenge anyone for not sorting out their pension yet.
A supportive calm person who will say things like...
"I promise I’m not annoyed that you have woken me up again to check the rise and fall of your babies chest."
TIP 5
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Book off and attend the important doctor appointments. So the
12 week scan and 20 week scan. It will help for you to have heard the advice the docs have said, info about the baby so that when your partner
wakes in the middle of the night to ask you as a question you
can attempt to reassure her, or at least try.
You may also have questions for the doc that your partner won’t be able to answer cos well she’s new to this as well. Asking questions will show you’re a united front and also won’t annoy your partner while she’s trying to watch Emmerdale.
TIP 6
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Talk, read or sing to your baby, well, your partner’s
stomach. Babies can hear from the second trimester (month 4 onwards) and they
will recognise voices in the third trimester, including yours.
TIP 7 FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Take walks together, this will do you both good. It’s an appropriate
low impact form of exercise and a good chance to talk and reconnect. It’s important to try and keep good lines of communication.This is not always easy when her moods swing
erratically from one to the other. You may feel as if you’re damned if you do
and you’re damned if you don’t, you probably are.
TIP 8 FOR
DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Stay close to your partner but
not too close, if you catch my drift. I couldn’t get through a top 10 list with
for dads without tackling the elephant in the room. I can hear male
comedy grey matter firing up.
It should come as no surprise
that there’s a strong chance that your partner may not feel much like sex during
the 9 months of the pregnancy. Frustrating as it is she has understandable
grounds not be making your libido her top priority.
This is an impossible thing to
work out so I have tried to break it down like this.
A SUGGESTED SEX CHARTER
TO BE LEARNT AND RECITED EVERY DAY DURING YOUR COLD SHOWER WHILE ALSO WHIPPING YOURSELF WITH BIRCH BRANCHES.
If we are agreed and committed to
the idea that as sperm donor,we want to do the best to support not
only our partner doing the hard miles but also the best by our offspring then I think this the following is fair.
SEX QUESTION 1 FOR DAD
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR
PREGNANT WIFE WANTS SEX DURING PREGNANCY BUT YOU AREN’T HUGELY KEEN?
ANSWER-GIVE HER THE SUPPORT SHE
NEEDS AND GET INVOLVED
SEX QUESTION 2 FOR DAD
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU
WANT SEX DURING PREGNANCY BUT YOUR WIFE ISN’T KEEN?
ANSWER-GIVE HER THE SUPPORT SHE
NEEDS TAKE COLD SHOWERS AND THE MATTER INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.
TIP 9
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
What do you do if you have
concerns about family finances and your partner hasn’t?
Apparently the two things that
couples argue about most is SEX and MONEY. Not sure why I put them in capitals
just felt it needed it.
One of the best bits of advice
from the total legend that was my dad was that when it came to money,
especially a disagreement with your partner,choose your battles wisely.
If you go 10 rounds every time your wife spends money on something “you” consider a wanton and reckless use of family funds, (depending on your budget I would say anything £20 or under) you won’t have the energy for the battle when it matters.
For example if and
when she wants another £3,000 electric blue corner sofa that you will be
paying off long after it’s on Craigslist because children have a
laissez attitude to plates.
TIP 10
FOR DADS DURING PREGNANCY
Just breath and rise above the
noise. There will be times during this 9 months pregnancy not to mention when
your child is actually here when you feel utterly overwhelmed. For what it’s worth when
those moments arrive try and view them as just that, moments.
If your experience is anything like mine yes you will spin out, yes you will miss your sleep, yes you will miss slightly hungover Sundays spent in bed with your partner watching T4 but the arrival of your child will ignite a new level of drive in you.
The birth of my daughter in 2012 was a very timely kick up the arse. One that I definitely needed.It made me retrain and get a better job, then a better job after that.
I also think becoming a parent makes you a kinder, more compassionate and generally more patient human being. When you have gone through the hell of getting up for work after another night of crying, winding, feeding etc you just feel the need to be kinder. Certainly kinder towards anyone who like you might be struggling. I have been seconds away from bursting into tears, throwing a tantrum to rival the tantrum I am trying to manage and another parent gives me a look or says something that shows they get it.
It's these moments that remind me that we are never alone and are all connected in a deeply profound way that I think we as a species are starting to understand.
Thanks for reading this if you did and I
would love to know who you are and how’s it going in your life?
Best of luck
Love James
PS If you would be happy to be added to my database so I can send notify you the next time I publish a blog please email me at this address.
mydadmissions@gmail.com
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Hello,
ReplyDeleteIt can get pretty lonely on the tinternet and I want to start writing about whatever you are interested in in the parenting,marriage,mental health space.Therefore if you have a moment, I'd love some feedback.Take care James